Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Valet Girls, 1986

The grrl powered wonders of 'Valet Girls' begins over at 'Lucy's Records,' a make-shift table set out in front of the now bankrupt Tower Records that was on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood. We get it pretty quick that Lucy (Meri D. Marshall) is shelling out her demo tapes. Lucy is also appears to be late for something. She hops into her totally cool aqua Cadillac convertible to cruise down Sunset as the opening credits roll.

She pulls into UCLA to pick up her sexy British friend/co-worker, Rosalind (April Stewart), who we see covering up Sigmund Freud's Psychoanalysis book with Playgirl! Heaven forbid anyone deem her a brain. More cruising around LA as they pick up their skimpy valet uniforms from the cleaners.

As the credits die down, the girls are hard at work valeting at a fancy restaurant* complete with a pretentious Hollywood bigshot who hands Lucy an invite to a big soiree where Alvin Sunday, the biggest record producer of all time will be attending. Seconds later, the creep also hands her the 'I want to make you a star, kid' jazz, right before he molests her. 'You wanna be famous don't ya?' uh-huh. Well tough broad from Brooklyn Lucy doesn't stand for it and knees his tubby groin. Of course, being they are expendable valet girls, they get chewed out by their boss for the act, however Lucy can care less because she still has that invite the piggy from before placed down her panties. Oh yeah, she also blind as bat and decides to wear the most hideous cat eye glasses ever. Believe me, it's a pivotal plot device for later on.

*Just a side note, the restaurant may look familiar if you're a fan of Beverly Hills Cop 2 and the 'Gerald Ford Strip Club Scene'. At the time it was a French restaurant called 385 North. It is now closed and up for lease. Also, Trashy Lingerie is across the street. You may recognize that shop from the Go-Go's video, 'Our Lips Are Sealed'.
Anyways... As the Valet boss is chewing the girls out, a naive southern cutie pie named Carnation (Mary Kohnert) walks up with a right-off-the-bus-suitcase-and-stars-in-eyes stroll looking for the YWCA. Mr. Valet Boss spews the typical Hollywood 'I'm going that way to do dinner with my producer friends.' Well, that's all it took to get her into his car. I see we will be putting up with this common behavior throughout the film.

Next day, the girls are driving up to the big party being held by big time Hollywood God, Dirk Zebra (Jack DeLeon). It's a typical 80's fiesta with some crazy broad belting out a song about Sergio Valente, nude wannabe starlets splashing around in the pool, stylish people wearing metallic clothing while sipping wine; the whole nine yards.

However, out front we see the male valet competition, acting like crude frat boys as some 'homely' girls pull up. But of course, it's a smut movie!

After they are howled at turned away, our girls pull up and Dirk pops out to wonder why the cars are getting backed up. That's because one of the valet dudes named Ike (Steve Lyon) is popping one of the starlets in the bathroom! Poor Dirk has his hands full as right after Ike, his elegant wife Tina (Patricia Scott Michel) informs him that two guests are copulating on the BBQ... that's on!

More cute comedic plot devices we will see over and over: a drunk waiter, asking for more booze and quaaludes, and a pesky effeminate screenwriter trying to work everyone at the party.

More set up follows as we are introduced to smarmy tv actor Lindsey Brawnsworth (Jon Sharp) and the elusive record producer, Alvin Sunday (Michael Karm) who both have a rotating bedroom of starlets and Madonna wannabes that they tally into the night. Smutty, right? Yesss. Anyways, back to the girls. We find out that Rosalind once dated Ike, but nevermind because that icky dude from the French restaurant spots them and is about to rat them out. However, they do let Dirk know that they are hotty valet girls just before they make a run for it. You know, just in case those make valet guys might not work out.

Yep... A paparazzo snuck into the party! Dirk has had enough of the guys and has informed the boys they are fired and being replaced by the valet girls (By the way, there is a brief cameo by Mr. Ron Jeremy passed out on the couch in this scene.). Now the guys want to exact revenge on those girls for stealing their great paying, great benefits (free nookie and cocaine) job!

The girls arrive to Dirks house the next day for his famous 'pajama party.' Lucy runs into her old friend, Sammy the dwarf, (Tony Cox) who is possibly the most normal (and famous) person in this whole movie. They get their instructions for the night and also a new co-worker! The lil' southern tart from before, Carnation! She's just so darn perky, it's scary. I guess being from the styrofoam capitol of the south may do that to a person.

As the night commences on, the house band, Grueling Gretta and the Grunts (Riiight) grunt their way through a cheesy song as the guests start arriving. Of course Lindsey sweeps Carnation off of her feet, but Lucy tries to tell her that he's a creep and that she's gonna meet a lot of them tonight!

Next to arrive, is Alvin Sunday who Lucy plans to stalk perform her music for tonight. But, ahhh! She doesn't have those stupid glasses on so she doesn't know where the hell he is - or who he is! Hilarity will ensue I'm sure.

Rosalind takes care of business out front when the valet dudes pull up disguised as caterers in chicken suits, giving the secret password to get in so they can sabotage the party. She knows something is a miss though. Mrs. Z guides Lucy over to Alvin Sunday, who is in all white, but instead pulls the waiter, who is also in all white into the bathroom to perform her song. Told you hilarity would ensue. I'm sure you're in stitches now, right?

Oh boy... Carnation's redneck boyfriend Archie Lee (John Terlesky) pulls up and acts buffoonish and cavemanly, as you do. Of course he wants to drag her back to Mississippi by the hair where she belongs, but oh no - Carnation is going to be an ACTRESS! The dumb jerk pulls a rifle which freaks Rosalind out so she grabs the loincloth clad bodyguards to throw his ass out!

Carnation goes inside to chill out from the drama and runs into Lindsey. He gives her a line of coke that she licks off of the mirror. Lindsey is horrified, but turned on even more. Sure, I always get turned on when a hot chick licks the coke. Yummy. He takes her upstairs.

Sammy the dwarf gets Lucy to perform her song for the crowd so Alvin will be sure to hear it. However she's not real sure what the goddamn song is called because she calls it 'The Reach', 'Do The Reach' and sometimes 'Reaching Up'. Maybe one is a working title, I dunno.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the valet dudes are stirring up a pot of faux vomit to splash everywhere for the sabotage.

And upstairs Lindsey is in the midst of seducing Carnation; however he doesn't want his hair touched or to be kissed! 'Just lie there'! She runs off horrified by all of this. 'Good luck in Hollywood, Scarlet' says Mr. Lindsey. Shortly thereafter, she is telling Rosalind what happened as Mrs. Z walks into the conversation. 'He can't kiss you, he's got dentures. And he doesn't want his hair touched because it's a wig! He's a Hollywood actor darling!'

Back to Lucy, she sings her catchy little song (whatever she calls it) to the crowd and they seem to like it's hip little dance instructions. Witness below...

After the song, Lucy is so excited and so blind that she stumbles into the pool! Not so cool. She's so embarrassed and busy looking for Alvin that she ignores the nice gentlemen trying to talk to her about her music (Probably wanna talk to him!).

After all of that, Alvin was upstairs with a total Madonna wannabe (I didn't even know girls were still rocking the whole 'Like a Virgin' look in '86!) when all of the sudden a former singer he 'tallied' from before bursts in to get her revenge, but fails when the loinclothed henchmen come in to throw her ass out. Love her line after she's thrown out: "From now on I only fuck for fun!"

Here's a random and odd scene: The valet dudes (did I mentioned their disguised as chickens?) find a dead guy and plop him into the hot tub. Eww. The W.T.F. moment of the movie goes to you my friend.

As Lucy dries herself off in the bathroom, guess who pops in! Alvin Sunday! Finally! He gets sleazy and talks the 'Hollywood talk' to get her upstairs. He tries to get her into a threesome with the Madonna wannabe. Of course when she refuses he tells her to 'get lost, you'll never make it in this business,' yadda yadda yadda. Ok, we get it now!

Rosalind is inside on her break and now it's finally her turn to get the treatment, the work over, what have you from Mr. Z. She cuts him down good with her sharp tongue as his wife overhears and laughs her ass off! Now ya done it. One more speach of 'you'll never work in this town again' later and Rosalind exclaims that she'll sue for sexual harassment.

That shuts him up for about 2 seconds until the corpse in the pool loses an arm (didn't realize the W.T.F. moment would be surpassed. I stand corrected. Eww.) and the valet dudes pour the fake vomit all over the place and everyone freaks the shit out. Mr. Z tries to calm everyone down by telling them that the 'black and white' party next week will be better don't worry! Splat. Puke all over Mr. Z. Now he REALLY means the whole 'never work in this town again' tirade. And hopefully that's the last time we hear anyone say that. Through the chaos Rosalind catches Ike and other valet dudes and gets back to the girls to get their revenge.

Morning falls; the girls are sitting on the steps of Mr. Zebra's when their jerk off boss shows up to tongue lash/fire them, except for sweet lil Carnation. However Carnation tells him what he can do with the job also by kneeing him in the beanbag.

Laughing their asses off into the next scene, they are out in the backyard of Zebra's having champagne with Mrs. Z, as she talks about how she was the head of a studio when she met Dirk and how she gave it all up just to be his wife.

Then out of the blue - I don't know how it's so easy to get onto Zebra's property, but Archie Lee somehow manages, asking for Carnation to forgive him and that he'll stay in California with her to pursue her dream. Ahh, the sweet girl gets her happy ending, now onto the rest of them. Rosalind has a brilliant idea for their revenge on all of the men that fucked them over in the past couple of days.

Decorations are being set up for the black and white party as the valet dudes come back to work for Zebra. They run into Mrs. Zebra and she gives them the 'new instructions' for the night (wink, wink) - all press allowed because Mr. Z needs some publicity! She also catches the bodyguards and informs them they won't be needed tonight.

Oh christ, montage time. At least it's a very short one. Temp music blaring, Lucy is getting ready for tonight by rehearsing her music at the beach with the worlds tiniest Casio keyboard, dancing on the lifeguard tower, jogging down Hollywood Boulevard while all of the sudden jumping up in excitement (ala Tony the Tiger: Therrrrre grrrrreat!) right in front of the Capitol Records building. Oh boy.

Mrs. Z sneaks the disguised girls (and Archie Lee) in to the party (Oooh I see Ron Jeremy again!) and everything is ok so far as Sammy introduces Lucy on stage.

She's rocking and rolling, the men are being sleazy, normal, normal, normal.

Rosalind is first up as she seduces Lindsey upstairs when Archie Lee busts in with the rifle and demands his dentures and toupee. That extra press that the valet boys were told to let in are probably going to be really useful right about now! Cue Carnation and the paparazzi! One down, Mr. Z, Alvin Sunday and the valet boys next...

Lucy, over with her song is now announcing to the crowd Mr. Zebra's 7th year of celebrating his 50th birthday (ouch), and then starts in on Alvin Sunday and his bedroom ways. Now all of the girls he's promised 'careers' to start to turn on him. Snap, snap, snap go the camera flashes!

Now Mr. Zebra emerges to try and stifle the girls. However, Mrs. Zebra comes out with a great big huge cake with a nude girly that pops out to smash his face in with even more bakery goodness. Ta-da! Snap, snap, snap.

Lucy again takes the stage in triumph as the nice man who wanted to talk to her before announces he's with A&R Records and wants to sign her! Woot!

Now what about the valet guys? Well, they get netted, taken up to the Hollywood sign and ordered to drop trou and climb suckas!

Smut factor 7/10
Not much nudity for being a smut movie, but enough to churn the guts. However there is way too many slimeball icky Hollywood douchebags to up the smut meter.

Unfortunately, the movie has never seen a DVD release. I only saw it on Impact On Demand, the best thing ever to happen to cable! (Makes my staggering Comcast bill so much more worth it). The actors haven't gone on to do much anything else (most of them, this being their only entry on IMDB), but it's still a charming movie about the real sick shit that does go on in Hollywood.

*** SMUT MOVIE BONUS!!!! ***
Here are some MP3's I found of Meri D. Marshall. Yay! Unfortunately, none of them are the songs featured in the movie. Boo.
Meri D. Marshall - Faces
Meri D. Marshall - My Obsession
Meri D. Marshall - Danger
Meri D. Marshall - I Can't Let Go

Here's a music video from Meri D. Marshall:


  1. HA! I see Dean Devilin (Sp?) in there! Love him! He was also on an episode of the Golden Girls.

    My boyfriend LOVES teen sex comedies, but I'm not sure we have this. We do, however, own the Valley Girls (or something like that!).

    Awesome blog, Jenny!

  2. I edited together an excellent MP3 version of "Reachin' Up" that Meri did in the movie. If you would like a copy for the blog, write me at phaota@gmail.com and I'll share it.

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